Killer Year–The Class of 2007


What Every Guy Wants
August 16, 2006, 8:30 am
Filed under: Killer Year Founders, Sandra Ruttan

I’m not special. I want what every guy wants. Just to have a piece of tail when I’m in the mood for it, and the rest of the time to have some peace and quiet.

Is that too much to ask for? I don’t think so, but she disagreed. Of course she disagreed. She argued about everything. No matter how many times I said I didn’t want to talk she just kept harping. Women. Nattering until you tune them out and then they unload some heavy shit with a big sigh and a dramatic announcement about needing to talk. About our feelings.

Christ.

You see all these men, going store to store, even holding the damn bags while their women shop. I always saw the ones who looked happy. Bought the delusion that it might actually be possible to find the right one, but deep down I knew better. That book, Sleepyhead? Guy who wrote that, he knew. All a man wants is a woman who won’t say no or talk back, just lies there and takes it. None of this crap about being in the mood or whining about a cold start, saying it’s over before she’s even thinking about getting interested.

She doesn’t like what I watch, hates my music. Wants to know how much effort it takes to do something thoughtful, to surprise her. Jesus, it takes too much energy just to endure the nagging. I’m so busy tuning it out I haven’t got time to think of anything else.

More trouble than they’re worth. Same conclusion, every time. You’d think I would’ve learnt by now but I always think I’ll try. Must be some lingering misguided idea stuck in my head from all those pussy-whipped shopping boys with the artificial smiles.

But I tell myself you never know unless you try, so when I bring them home I make an effort. Really. And at first, they want to. They’re grateful, and it isn’t bad, as long as they aren’t a screamer. I don’t like that. I like it nice and quiet. For a while, it’s me walking store to store with a smile plastered on my face. I think this is it, things will are different this time. That I might not need the back-up plan after all.

Sooner or later, though, it’s all about socks on the floor and the cap left off the toothpaste and leaving the toilet seat up. How much effort does it take for me to put it down? If she doesn’t think it’s so hard, why doesn’t she put it down herself? You don’t see me griping about her not leaving it up for me, do you?

When it gets to there, I know. I still don’t want to admit it, but it’s coming. The moment of truth, when I do find the energy to surprise her. I always do it differently. Depends on what they’ve got that’s worth keeping. This one, it’s the feet. Her toes aren’t hairy, for one thing.

I want what every guy wants. A piece of tail when I’m in the mood for it, and the rest of the time, some peace and quiet. If you can’t find the real deal, you get a substitute. Not one of those plastic inflatable things but something with the touch of real skin. Okay, so it’s a bit leathery, but not completely artificial.

And it can’t talk back.

Sandra Ruttan
Author of Suspicious Circumstances, January 2007
On Life and Other Inconveniences

I’d like to dedicate this to Mark Billingham, Julia Buckley and Ian Rankin. If the reasons aren’t obvious there’s a trail to them, a question about whether or not I should change my name and a debate about whether or not I write male or female through the link.

My thanks to Steve Allan, Stephen Blackmore, Bill Cameron and Daniel Hatadi.

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13 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Um, ewww! Oddly funny, yet tres creepy.

Comment by Angie

LOL – thanks Angie. “Oddly funny, yet tres creepy.” Half of that fits my personality…

Comment by Sandra Ruttan

Pretty awesome writing, Sandra. You did so much in a small space. And very freaky.

Comment by Naomi

Naomi, that is such high praise – thank you.

Comment by Sandra Ruttan

lovely, sandra.
and even though lovely is a girly word, it somehow seemed right — and i said it in a deep voice.

great writing.

Comment by anne frasier

Thanks so much Anne – very funny re: the voice. Interestingly enough, your name came up in the discussion about this at my blog today, with some high praise for you!

Comment by Sandra Ruttan

Nice work, Sandra. Tres funny, tres creepy, tres cool.

Comment by Daniel Hatadi

Excellent. I agree, creepy, funny, cool. Very psycho noir.

Comment by John Gooley

Thanks Daniel. Obviously, very French, too, LOL.

And thanks John. Pyscho noir – I like that!

Comment by Sandra Ruttan

Just too damn funny… and frighteningly true (well, somewhat)! hehehe

Comment by Bill, the Wildcat

Thanks Bill, although I wonder if I should be asking how your wife is…

Comment by Sandra Ruttan

[…] It was Bill’s post that really got me thinking about something. I’d mentioned to him that I had a hard time placing The Butcher initially, because it was borderline horror (written in the vein of What Every Guy Wants) and publishers kept telling me it needed a sci fi angle to it. A WTF? I just didn’t get that. Why couldn’t my nice little mindfuck stand on its own? Ultimately it did, in the July/August issue of Crimespree Magazine. […]

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